Recognizing a Man of Integrity

I had the privilege of being asked to speak to a group of teenage Christian girls this past weekend about recognizing a man of integrity.  It was a great time of fellowship and discussion with moms and their daughters about dating and boys.  If you are currently searching for a Godly husband, perhaps these notes will help you too. Here are the notes from my talk.

I had my first crush when I was 14.  At that age I admired my cousin Paul and his relationship with his girlfriend who later became his wife.  He encouraged me to make a list of character qualities to look for and pray for in my future husband. Of all the dating advice I ever received, this was the most helpful.

The whole point of dating is to find a husband.   So it is not crazy to start setting standards that boys will have to meet to even be considered “date worthy”.

When you make a list, consider making a separate list of deal breakers and strong desires. The deal breaker list is the one that you should not budge on. Let the deal breaker list help you maintain high standards and not settle.

Some of the main things I chose to put on my deal breaker list were:

·      Strong Christian man

·      Doesn’t drink, smoke, or do drugs

·      Desires to remain pure til marriage with me

·      Doesn’t support abortion or homosexuality

Things I put on my strong desire list were:

·      Friendly and respectful

·      Must love dogs/animals

·      Must love movies/be nerdy like me

·      Must not like sports

·      Must like Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Indiana Jones, etc

·      Must wear converse shoes

Don’t let the strong desire list be something that makes you high maintenance.  If I had stuck to everything on my list of strong desires when I met Ben, we would have never gotten married and I would have missed out majorly on the great love that we have…because he did not wear converse shoes when I met him.  God cares about the details of your life, so definitely pray for a husband who is what you desire, but be prepared that your husband will likely not match up exactly on all of those items and that’s OK!  I have come to the conclusion that God may not give you a man who is exactly what you want in order to grow you or him in an area of your life that you need to learn to be flexible on or change.  Husbands and wives are meant to help each other grow and these differences can really help grow each of you into a more well rounded person.

Finding someone to marry, much less date, with such high standards in my deal breaker list was very hard to do.  In this day and age a truly wise man is extremely rare.  A lot of times it happened that a cute non-Christian boy liked me and a cute Christian boy, that I liked, did not.  Sometimes I would grow tired of waiting and angry and give in to the temptation to give the cute non-Christian boy a chance.   I learned that, it is possible to find a non-Christian guy who meets a lot of my standards and has great morals. 

The question you have to ask is, “Are the morals in this mans life a preference or a conviction?”  A man who prefers not to get drunk is rare and nice to find, but what if you marry that man and then one day he loses his job.  Can you trust that he will not decide in a weak moment that he would suddenly like to go out and get drunk to help ease his frustrations and pains?  A Christian man of conviction prefers not to get drunk, but he also has convictions to stick with that decision even when things get tough.  He knows that the Bible says, "Do not become drunk with wine." Ephesians 5:18 A man of strong conviction has the Holy Spirit guiding him to make Biblical decisions.

Don’t use strong morals to justify a relationship with a man who is not a believer.  The Bible says we are not to be unequally yoked.  “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14 

The Bible also says, “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. “  Ephesians 5:24-25.  How can we submit to a man who has not submitted to Christ? How can a non-Christian man love us like Christ loved the church?

I know this is a temptation that some of you will likely face.  But it is WORTH IT to keep your standards up.  You do not want to be tied to a man who is not tied to Jesus.  Some boys will be offended by your standards and try to make you feel like you are being ridiculous or snobby by having standards, but don’t listen to them. 

The Bible says, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”  Galatians 6:9.  Write this verse down, keep it in your purse or on your mirror.

So how will you recognize a man of integrity?  The Bible says “you will know them by their fruit.” Matthew 7:16

“The Fruit of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” Galatians 5:22

God also put in this passage a list of things you should not see in a man of integrity, it says, “The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and lustful pleasures, idolatry and witchcraft, hatred, quarreling, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, divisions, conflict and envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these.” Galatians 5:19-21

Do you think that my husband has never committed any of these sins in his life? Do you think that you could ever possibly commit one of these sins?

Dating is not about finding a perfect man who has never struggled in any of these areas.  That would be great if you can find one.  But the truth is any one of us could be tempted and struggle in one of these areas. The amazing thing about Jesus is that we can make really bad mistakes and Jesus’ blood covers those sins.  

The Bible says in Romans 3:23-26 New Living Translation (NLT) 23 For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. 24 Yet God freely and graciously declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. 25 For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. This sacrifice shows that God was being fair when he held back and did not punish those who sinned in times past.”  Men and woman can repent and come back from that and be stronger Christian’s than ever! No one is perfect and everyone will struggle with some form of sin or another and be tempted in one direction or another. 

When you date, you want to look for a man who is defined by the fruit of the spirit.   Does that mean he has never struggled with lust or selfish ambition? No.   Ask these important questions, “Is he striving towards Jesus and pursuing righteousness actively in his life?”  And “Is there fruit in his life that I can see in his actions towards me and others?”  If the answer is yes, then it does not matter what is in his past and that just might be the man God has for you! 

So what’s the big deal about a man of integrity? What are some of the benefits?

I waited for a man of integrity and here are a few of the results of what I got:

·      He prays with me every night

·      He reads the Bible with me every night

·      If someone I care about is hurting, he cares and prays for them right along with me

·      He wants to be responsible and make wise decisions

·      He's a man of conviction; bad things bother and frustrate him.

·      He is tender hearted. He cares.

·      I never worry that he will leave me because I know he doesn't support divorce or adultery and he is yielded to the Holy Spirit to help him make wise choices and convict him.

·      He looks away or turns it off if something inappropriate comes on TV

·      He fights fair when we do fight and doesn't try to upset or hurt me

·      He is a gentleman. He opens doors for me and lifts all the heavy things

·      He considers my feelings when he makes decisions

·      He has a servant’s heart and loves helping people.

·      He is giving with his money and tithes freely.

·      I don't have to drag him to church with me or bug him to read the bible or pray with me. He wants to do those things all on his own.

The whole point of becoming a wife is for me to be Christ to Ben and him to be Christ to me and in doing so, we both glorify God and help each other learn more about the heart of God. I hope that each of you will make a list and begin praying for God to help you have discernment so that you can make wise decisions when you date.  Once you make a list, you will see your dating choices are limited, but keep in mind that you only need to find ONE man of integrity!  God will lead him to you and you to him when the time is right.  In the meantime, focus on being a woman of integrity. 

If you are already married and perhaps you did not wait for a man of integrity, start now seeking God and pray that He will grant that desire of your heart.  The Bible says, "Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

Doing Life Together

Back in September I pulled up to my parking space for work at 7:55AM while talking to my mom on the phone.  I saw my new coworker drive up in her car for her first day.  At that moment, I noticed that her car had a fish on it and I said to my mom, "Oh hey! The new girl has a fish on her car! Maybe she will be a nice new Christian friend for me!"  

And so began my friendship with Adrian Kuna! Since then I've seen her cry over sad things, listened to her life stories, and watched her laugh til she cried.  Sometimes it is hard to figure out why God puts people in our life, but other times you can totally see and understand why.  It's clear that we were meant to be in each others lives.

Adrian is what I call my “desk mate” at work.  I have had two other desk mates here and they are wonderful as well.  Michelle and Kristi were great!  Back in my college and my single days, I had several roommates who are still near and dear to my heart.  Now that I’m a real live adult and I work in an office, I have desk mates.  It’s basically like a roommate, because I do life with these people.  It’s hard not to do life with someone that sits 3 feet from you for 40 hours a week.  It happens naturally and I love it. 

Three weeks ago Adrian’s boyfriend, Logan asked Ben and I to be apart of his proposal to Adrian.  This was truly one of the greatest events I’ve ever had the privilege to be apart of.  We had recently decided to start a weekly Taco Tuesday get together to do a study called iMarriage.  Logan decided to propose during the first night which was a week from when he told us his secret.  I had to sit 3 feet from Adrian and not spill the beans for a whole week!! I was seriously freaking out.  It was so fun to watch her show me engagement rings that she liked all week and act intrigued by them all.  I was so sneaky! J

The night of the engagement went perfectly!! We are so glad something so special got to take place in our new house! Adrian and Logan have even asked Ben and I to be in their wedding. 

This is such a great example of how you really never know who could be your next friend!  Just six months ago I had just met Adrian and now I’m apart of her wedding. 

I would like to encourage everyone to adopt what I call the “canine philosophy of friendship”  A typical dogs meet a new person and it’s like instant friendship. Dogs are all like “Hi! Hi! Hi! Nice to meet you!! Wanna be my friend!? I want to be your friend!! Wanna go play?!” I believe this is what they are trying to convey with all the tail wagging and jumping up and down excitedly.  I tend to be that way, but for some it would have to be a concentrated effort.  My passion is customer service and I think having a welcoming personality is all part of that. 

When I was little my family would laugh at me when I would meet a new kid and just a few minutes after meeting, proudly declare that they were my new friend!! I just love doing life with people and I am so glad for all the people in my life who have accepted my friendship and let me into their lives!  It is truly a pleasure doing life with all of you.