I had the privilege
of being asked to speak to a group of teenage Christian girls this past weekend
about recognizing a man of integrity. It
was a great time of fellowship and discussion with moms and their daughters
about dating and boys. If you are
currently searching for a Godly husband, perhaps these notes will help you too.
Here are the notes from my talk.
I had my first
crush when I was 14. At that age I
admired my cousin Paul and his relationship with his girlfriend who later
became his wife. He encouraged me to
make a list of character qualities to look for and pray for in my future
husband. Of all the dating advice I ever received, this was the most helpful.
The whole point
of dating is to find a husband. So it
is not crazy to start setting standards that boys will have to meet to even be
considered “date worthy”.
When you make a
list, consider making a separate list of deal breakers and strong desires. The
deal breaker list is the one that you should not budge on. Let the deal breaker
list help you maintain high standards and not settle.
Some of the main
things I chose to put on my deal breaker list were:
·
Strong
Christian man
·
Doesn’t
drink, smoke, or do drugs
·
Desires
to remain pure til marriage with me
·
Doesn’t
support abortion or homosexuality
Things I put on
my strong desire list were:
·
Friendly
and respectful
·
Must
love dogs/animals
·
Must
love movies/be nerdy like me
·
Must
not like sports
·
Must
like Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Indiana Jones, etc
·
Must
wear converse shoes
Don’t let the strong
desire list be something that makes you high maintenance. If I had stuck to everything on my list of
strong desires when I met Ben, we would have never gotten married and I would
have missed out majorly on the great love that we have…because he did not wear
converse shoes when I met him. God cares
about the details of your life, so definitely pray for a husband who is what
you desire, but be prepared that your husband will likely not match up exactly
on all of those items and that’s OK! I
have come to the conclusion that God may not give you a man who is exactly what
you want in order to grow you or him in an area of your life that you need to
learn to be flexible on or change.
Husbands and wives are meant to help each other grow and these
differences can really help grow each of you into a more well rounded person.
Finding someone to
marry, much less date, with such high standards in my deal breaker list was
very hard to do. In this day and age a truly
wise man is extremely rare. A lot of
times it happened that a cute non-Christian boy liked me and a cute Christian
boy, that I liked, did not. Sometimes I
would grow tired of waiting and angry and give in to the temptation to give the
cute non-Christian boy a chance. I learned that, it is possible to find a non-Christian
guy who meets a lot of my standards and has great morals.
The question you
have to ask is, “Are the morals in this mans life a preference or a conviction?” A man who prefers not to get drunk is rare
and nice to find, but what if you marry that man and then one day he loses his
job. Can you trust that he will not
decide in a weak moment that he would suddenly like to go out and get drunk to
help ease his frustrations and pains? A
Christian man of conviction prefers not to get drunk, but he also has
convictions to stick with that decision even when things get tough. He knows that the Bible says, "Do not become
drunk with wine." Ephesians 5:18 A man of strong
conviction has the Holy Spirit guiding him to make Biblical decisions.
Don’t use strong morals to justify a relationship with a man who is not
a believer. The Bible says we are not to
be unequally yoked. “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness
and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with
darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14
The Bible also
says, “Now as the church submits to
Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands,
love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
“ Ephesians 5:24-25. How can we submit to a man who has not
submitted to Christ? How can a non-Christian man love us like Christ loved the
church?
I know this is a
temptation that some of you will likely face.
But it is WORTH IT to keep your standards up. You do not want to be tied to a man who is
not tied to Jesus. Some boys will be
offended by your standards and try to make you feel like you are being
ridiculous or snobby by having standards, but don’t listen to them.
The Bible says, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for
at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9. Write this verse down, keep it in your purse
or on your mirror.
So how will you
recognize a man of integrity? The Bible
says “you will know them by their
fruit.” Matthew 7:16
“The Fruit of the Spirit are love, joy,
peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and
self-control.” Galatians 5:22
God also put in
this passage a list of things you should not see in a man of integrity, it
says, “The acts of the flesh are
obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and lustful pleasures, idolatry and
witchcraft, hatred, quarreling, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, divisions,
conflict and envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these.”
Galatians 5:19-21
Do you think
that my husband has never committed any of these sins in his life? Do you think
that you could ever possibly commit one of these sins?
Dating is
not about finding a perfect man who has never struggled in any of these
areas. That would be great if you can
find one. But the truth is any one of us
could be tempted and struggle in one of these areas. The amazing thing about
Jesus is that we can make really bad mistakes and Jesus’ blood covers those
sins.
The Bible
says in Romans 3:23-26 New Living Translation (NLT) 23 For everyone has sinned; we all fall short
of God’s glorious standard. 24 Yet
God freely and graciously declares that we are righteous. He did this through
Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. 25 For God presented Jesus as the
sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus
sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. This sacrifice shows that God was
being fair when he held back and did not punish those who sinned in times
past.” Men and woman can repent and come
back from that and be stronger Christian’s than ever! No one is perfect and
everyone will struggle with some form of sin or another and be tempted in one
direction or another.
When you date,
you want to look for a man who is defined by the fruit of the spirit. Does that mean he has never struggled with
lust or selfish ambition? No. Ask these
important questions, “Is he striving towards Jesus and pursuing righteousness
actively in his life?” And “Is there
fruit in his life that I can see in his actions towards me and others?” If the answer is yes, then it does not matter
what is in his past and that just might be the man God has for you!
So
what’s the big deal about a man of integrity? What are some of the benefits?
I
waited for a man of integrity and here are a few of the results of what I got:
·
He prays with me every night
·
He reads the Bible with me every night
·
If someone I care about is hurting, he cares and prays for them
right along with me
·
He wants to be responsible and make wise decisions
·
He's a man of conviction; bad things bother and frustrate him.
·
He is tender hearted. He cares.
·
I never worry that he will leave me because I know he doesn't
support divorce or adultery and he is yielded to the Holy Spirit to help him
make wise choices and convict him.
·
He looks away or turns it off if something inappropriate comes
on TV
·
He fights fair when we do fight and doesn't try to upset or hurt
me
·
He is a gentleman. He opens doors for me and lifts all the heavy
things
·
He considers my feelings when he makes decisions
·
He has a servant’s heart and loves helping people.
·
He is giving with his money and tithes freely.
·
I don't have to drag him to church with me or bug him to read
the bible or pray with me. He wants to do those things all on his own.
The whole point
of becoming a wife is for me to be Christ to Ben and him to be Christ to me and
in doing so, we both glorify God and help each other learn more about the heart
of God. I hope that each of you will make a list and begin praying for God to
help you have discernment so that you can make wise decisions when you
date. Once you make a list, you will see
your dating choices are limited, but keep in mind that you only need to find
ONE man of integrity! God will lead him
to you and you to him when the time is right.
In the meantime, focus on being a woman of integrity.
If you are already married and perhaps you did not wait for a man of integrity, start now seeking God and pray that He will grant that desire of your heart. The Bible says, "Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4